Thursday, November 11, 2004


Okay I just finished reading some of my friends poems and they are amazing. I wish that I could write like them. i mean they have such depth and stuff. I can't do that.

Anyway, Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and escape. There are so many things going on with my life, that I just want to leave. School is getting hard ( not in the work way, I can handle that) but in every other way. I am starting to second guess myself. Starting to ask if this is the way I want to go, if this is really what I want to do. I know my friends have told me that I am not a quiter and that I would never quit. But sometimes I just feel like I should. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up. Go out with my Rehab and that is all. My parents do not think that I will make it all three years, and in a way I want to prove them wrong. But once again, they are probably right. I hate that when it happens.

And then there is this boy. You would think that it is not very ovious, but this is me we are talking about, and I have never been very secretive. It has even come to the point that the feelings I had for another person are gone.(yes trust me, sunday when I saw this "other guy" there was NOTHING there!) But the thing is I can not have this guy from school. Okay so I think maybe he is right for me, we are both crazy. But he does not go to my church. He is my forbidden fruit. But it is not just that. I have seen both sides to him, and well I do not know if I can handle that. Although I am like that too. Ahh I hate it. Why can't this be any easier.

Oh and the fact that like a hundred girls in my school like him too. And yeah it is like a vicious circle. I do not get jealous when he is talking to other girls, Probably because I know that I can not have him anyway, but others do. And then they do not talk to you cause you talk to him. Or sit by him in Chapel or something. My guy friends always said, when it comes to a crush girls are vicious. And I have to agree. I just can not help it, he is so darn cute, and our personalities are so alike. Although I am really ovious and I know he knows, but I do not want to say anything because that would make it worse. I just want to pretend that it is not there. Maybe I should just avoid him for the next couple days. Although that is no good either. AHHH!!! See what I mean I just want to crawl in that hole right now.

I am always there, But that is cause we have the same friends, we hang out together. But I just need to stop, rewind, and think about what I am doing. I mean, if it was ment to be, and if this is who God wants me to spend the rest of my life with, then things will work out. If it isn't then I just have to realize that and carry on my merry way. SO why is it so Bloody hard! AHHHH! I think I am going to find that hole now!

No comments: