Sunday, December 19, 2004

What Road

You know that poem by Robert Frost that talks about the road less traveled by? Well I was thinking, what road am I traveling by. I have done alot of thinking the past couple days and I have relized I am hidding myself. I might not have thought I was, but I really am. I am trying to be loved by to many people, and I am getting myself into trouble.
I am trying to please everyone. And yet, I know that the people I care for the most, are worried about me and are scared for me. Someone told me today, that really there are still wolves in sheeps clothing. And you know what, how hard it is to admit it, I can see it. I can see that I am leading myself into a lot of trouble, I am leading myself down the path that is walked on all the time. I am not saying that I have to not talk to some people. I am just saying I have to be more careful with what I do.
This holiday is going to be good for me. I am going to need it, just to get away from the people I see everyday. And when mom and dad come home, that will be better to. I also know that I am getting upset with what people are telling me, but when I stop to think, they do have a point. I am not holding myself in the way that I should. I am to the point where I am scaring myself. What is right and what is wrong. Sometimes the wrong things sound right. And they are so much easier. But isn't that the way that it is supposed to be. No body said that the road less traveled would be an easy one. And there would be times when you would want to leave, and when people want to make you leave. This seems like one of those times. The thing is I love the people I have connected with, and I do not want to ruin any of those friendships, but I am scared, I am questioning myself and whether I am doing the right thing.
Maybe I need to get out. Maybe I need to start looking for a job, and not go back to school next year. Maybe I need to distance myself. Maybe I need to stop and think about everything I want to do.
Do I go in Febuary? I know that I want to and I have already said I would. But should I go? is it safe for me? I am so filled with doubts and worries. And at the same time, I am excited. There is also the fact that I sometimes feel I am closer to the people I go to school with. But I have friends from church that hang out with other people and they are fine.
Am I just getting myself into trouble, digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I think I need to be more careful from now on with what I do. The new year is going to be a little different. I think I need to start over. And remember at all times who I am and where I came from. I can not forget that, no matter how someone may make me feel, or how much fun people are having. I need to be able to be myself. The really Alyson that is not trying to please anyone. The one who was raised with what she believes, and Believes what she was taught whole heartedly. I need to stand firm and not bend for anyone or anything. Because I do not want to put my faith at risk. I do not want to build my house on the sand. I want to stand on that rock and not move! I want to be free.

1 comment:

Debra said...

hey doll, its me again.

Droppimg out of school would not be the answer. Think about it doll. You have such a love for music, I've seen it since I met you. Music is part of you. Don't desert it now that you have a chance to improve. Don't let others dictate to you what you do. You can still have friends at school, you can still have fun with them, just don't try to be them. You might just find out that its easier than you think. No worries doll, you'll do fine. :)
luv, deb